


Penelope

by midnightstreet



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Fluff and Humor, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Pet Sitting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-20
Updated: 2021-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-26 00:00:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30097137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightstreet/pseuds/midnightstreet
Summary: David and Patrick: Hamster Uncles
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose, Theodore "Ted" Mullens/Alexis Rose
Comments: 26
Kudos: 67
Collections: Nothing Desperate About It





	Penelope

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is part of the [Nothing Desperate About It](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/nothingdesperateaboutit/profile) collection, set between Grad Night and Housewarming, which celebrates moments where David and Patrick managed to sneak in short moments of privacy (and possibly take advantage of said privacy). Each work in the collection represents a different location.
> 
> Takes place sometime between Singles Week and Merry Christmas, Johnny Rose.
> 
> Thank you to dazedwriter for organizing this little fest!

“Are we really qualified for this?”

“If small children can do it, I’m sure two grown men with a combined age of—”

“DON’T say it. Hmm, I guess he’s kind of cute, in a...rodent-esque way.”

“I think it’s a ‘she’.”

David studied where he imagined the thing’s genitals might be. “My observations are inconclusive.”

“Anyway, Ted’s note says one scoop of pellets, one ‘thumb-sized’ piece of celery, one wedge of apple — pre-cut and in the fridge — annnd refill the water bottle.”

“I wish I could maintain that sort of diet. Hello little...creature. Yes, I’m waving at you from this safe distance. Don’t worry, your Uncle Patrick is coming to remove your feces.”

“Seriously, David?”

“What did you expect, honey?”

Patrick heaved a great sigh. “Alright, alright, I’m rolling up my sleeves. Hi, Penelope, it’s your Uncle Patrick. I’m here to take care of you. Let’s just get you out of there and into your carrier and we can...got her!”

David took a tentative step closer to study the small plastic box into which Patrick had plopped his — ugh — niece. “Is she supposed to sneeze? Do rodents sneeze? Do you suppose she’s allergic to my cologne?”

“No idea; I’ve never had a hamster.”

“What if she needs medical attention? With Ted gone, who’s the nearest vet?”

“That would be Dr. Miguel.” Patrick replied, scooping soiled fluff — eww — from the thing’s multicolored plastic enclosure. “Haven’t you seen his ads? They’re, umm. They’re really something.” 

“That face tells me you’re turned on, and yet I can see you’re currently handling rodent poop. Please explain.”

“If you’d seen Dr. Miguel’s ads, you’d understand.” Patrick paused, a faraway look in his eye, before returning to the task at hand. He detached one tunnel from the top of the thing’s...mansion...and dumped the contents into the trash bag. Several small flakes missed and floated toward the carpet.

Eww.

David got a good ninety seconds into a staring contest with Penelope before Patrick called him over. He informed her that their competition was being declared a draw.

“David, I need you to hold this bag open while I scoop.”

“Mm, no, I will not be doing that.”

“Hey, you’re this thing’s blood relation, not me. And Alexis threatened me with physical violence to tell her if you didn’t help — if that happens, that pizza is mine and mine alone.”

“How dare you bring pizza into this? Ugh, fine. I can’t believe you signed us up for hamster-sitting duty.”

“It’s not even ‘sitting’ — we just have to do this one cage change and feeding, and she’ll be set until Ted and Alexis get back.”

David held the plastic supermarket bag open as far away from his chest as he could and closed his eyes, waiting for Patrick to scoop out...whatever needed scooping. He shrieked when a piece of Penelope’s fluffy carpeting touched his finger.

“Incorrect! Incorrect!” David whined, bouncing from foot to foot, eyes still shut tight. 

“Okay, it’s over; you survived. Good job. Just let me put down some fresh bedding. Can you fill up the water bottle?”

David grabbed the proffered bottle and fled into the kitchen, washing his hands three times before completing his assigned task.

“Okay, so, that’s all done. Time for the princess to return to her castle. There you go, Penelope; I’ll be right back with your food.”

David sat on the couch, watching his niece compulsively clean herself and waiting for his pulse to return to normal after his brush with...oh god, whatever that had been. 

He had to admit: he respected her attention to proper grooming.

Eventually Patrick came over and joined him. “Before you ask, yes, I washed my hands. You doing okay over here? Not too traumatized?”

“Uncertain. I think I deserve a kiss for my bravery in the face of hamster...leavings.” He shuddered.

Patrick laughed, but obliged, giving his boyfriend a soft, slow kiss. “Yes, you were _very_ brave, weren’t you. That deserves bonus garlic bread.”

That kiss turned into two, then...many, unable to keep their hands off each other. David lay back on the couch, Patrick’s solid body covering his.

“God, yes, you feel so good. Been so long.”

David moaned, rutting upward to feel the delicious friction of their cocks rubbing through their pants. Chasing the feeling, he flipped them over — very narrowly avoiding braining themselves on the coffee table — so he could grind down against Patrick’s sizeable bulge.

“Oh fuck. That’s. Oh, yeah, yeah, just let me…”

“Need more. David, please.”

“It’s okay, honey, I’ve got you.”

David made quick work of the button and zipper on Patrick’s jeans. He had barely dug his hand into that too-tight denim when Patrick stilled the upward thrust of his hips, sitting up quickly enough to almost send David’s careening back toward the accursed coffee table.

“David. _David._ She’s...I think she’s watching us.” 

David slowly removed his hand from Patrick’s balls and turned around. “Oh god, she looks...intrigued. Penelope, that is borderline incestuous; we are your _uncles_.”

“Are you seriously scolding a hamster for checking us out? If you honestly think she’s never witnessed Ted and Alexis having sex, you are a lot more naive than I took you for.”

“Eww!” David shot up off the couch, flailing his hands around. “No sisters in a sexual context! I know you’re an only child, but this is an important boundary!”

“Sorry.” Patrick laughed. The bastard wasn’t sorry at all. “Now, where was I?”

“You were spread out like the snack you are, I believe.”

“Right, how could I have forgotten. Okay, hand back down my pants, please.”

David leveled a glare at him, but chose to prioritize orgasms. Just this once.

Privacy was privacy, and they weren’t going to waste it.

++++++++++

“Hey Patrick?”

“Yeah?”

“Want to get a hamster?”

“What, to co-parent? Would it travel back and forth between the motel and Ray’s guest bedroom? Hamsters need stability, David.”

“Ugh, fine. Maybe we can start with a cactus.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos very much appreciated (if you're so inclined)


End file.
